I had some time to kill at The Fishbowl today so I decided to see what people on the web thought of one of the worlds worst beers: Corona. The following two reviews come from epinion.com:
1) Wake up--Corona sucks
Feb 01 '00
Author's Product Rating
1/5 stars
Pros
none
Cons
watery, skunky taste
Full Review
Corona's been a fad among college students and yuppies for a while. Don't buy the hype! It's a flavorless, watery lager that probably only tastes good to Bud drinkers because it comes in a bottle instead of a can. The lime is only masking the bad smell, folks. And in case it didn't already taste terrible, that clear bottle will make it taste "skunky" in no time! (since exposure to light destroys beer's flavors.)
Try a real pale ale or a wheat if you want a summery thirst-quencher. Try a Negro Modela if you want a Mexican beer. But don't drink Corona.
2)Corona Extra is muy bueno!
Aug 19 '00
Author's Product Rating
5/5 stars
Weight:
Flavor:
Pros
great tasting, goes down smooth
Cons
expensive
Full Review
Nothing caps off a good 18 holes of golf quite like the cold, refreshing taste of a corona extra, with a lime of course. My favorite cerveza, corona extra goes down a lot smoother than some of its competitors such as Dos Equis and Tecate. There is nothing quite like the refreshment I get when I sip down a cold corona with lime, as it cools down your body and makes you remember why you like drinking beer in the first place. The perfect food to go with a corona extra is a plate of chicken quesadillas with guacamole. If you are not into Mexican food, pizza will do just fine with a cold corona. The price is a little lofty for a young man like myself at $12-$15 for a 12 pack, but for the quality it is just a small price to pay. You can find corona at just about any supermarket or local liquor store, and once you find it you will be saying "una mas cerveza para mi, por pavor"
Notice how reviewer number one brings up some interesting points about how Corona only seems to taste good to some people because it comes in a bottle. He also brilliantly notes how a clear bottle is a poor choice and how the lime only masks the shit flavor (afterall, what self-respecting beer company agressively promotes putting an extrememly strong flavoring agent, like a lime, into their "fine" product). The second reviewer is simply touting his yuppiness and regurgitating Corona's stupid advertising ploys.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
I Despise My Enemies
At a recent Goldeneye Summit, local intellectuals met to play Goldeneye on Nintendo 64. I attended the summit with an enthusiastic interest in playing the game.
As I played and tried to kill the other three competitors in the chaotic melee, I noticed something: I despised my enemies. I wanted them to be dead. And I don't just mean the characters in the game. When someone's character attacked me, I wanted to reach over and tear that person's head off.
I lost many games in a row. Thoughts of throwing my controller at the TV raced through my addled brain, but I thought better of it. After all, the summit was held at my abode, on my widescreen TV.
Afterwards we went out for sandwiches, and at the restaurant my animosities ran deeply. I thought of poisoning my enemies by replacing the lettuce on their BLTs with hemlock, rendering the sandwiches BLHs. I looked at the other summit attendees and all I saw was Bond, Siberian Special Forces, and Civilian. The video game began to consume me.
Goldeneye released its stranglehold on me before I was able to injure real people. But be careful the next time you play a multiplayer game, because this tragic story could be about YOU.
As I played and tried to kill the other three competitors in the chaotic melee, I noticed something: I despised my enemies. I wanted them to be dead. And I don't just mean the characters in the game. When someone's character attacked me, I wanted to reach over and tear that person's head off.
I lost many games in a row. Thoughts of throwing my controller at the TV raced through my addled brain, but I thought better of it. After all, the summit was held at my abode, on my widescreen TV.
Afterwards we went out for sandwiches, and at the restaurant my animosities ran deeply. I thought of poisoning my enemies by replacing the lettuce on their BLTs with hemlock, rendering the sandwiches BLHs. I looked at the other summit attendees and all I saw was Bond, Siberian Special Forces, and Civilian. The video game began to consume me.
Goldeneye released its stranglehold on me before I was able to injure real people. But be careful the next time you play a multiplayer game, because this tragic story could be about YOU.
Friday, June 15, 2007
True Love Won't Desert You
A friend and I found this yesterday on YouTube. I understand that the music video was a new format back then, but who thought that any part of this video could possibly look cool?
Things to watch for:
1. The keyboard player on the left when Journey first appears and before they are reset and given instruments as he is "air-keyboarding" ... priceless.
2. Look closely at the woman's haircut - good ... god that is bad.
3. Steve Perry bought womens high-rise jeans and the greatest tank-top ever for this video.
4. The drummer has a cut-off red sweatshirt that says "Foosball" on it. No joke.
5. The lead guitarist has what I would like to label a "jew-mullet."
6. At one point, later in the video, the band is shot in slow motion lip-synching and pretending to play their instruments on and around a forklift and pallets. Just like every little kid dreams of.
7. Half of the band is sporting a molestache.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Notes on Double Team
I watched Double Team yesterday. For any ignoranuses out there, Double Team stars Jean-Claude Van Damme as a secret agent, and rebounding legend Dennis Rodman as an international arms dealer based in Antwerp. "Who does your hair? Siegfried or Roy?" Jack Quinn (Van Damme) cleverly jokes upon meeting the flamboyant Yaz (Rodman), whose hair is dyed in rainbow stripes.
This is from Canadian IMDB user joes_poop's review of the film: "A brilliant story line and Damme good action are what really bring this movie together, the action scenes are like watching Michelangelo's David take shape and all you can do is stand in awe at it's beauty. Van-Damme is a man on a mission, and won't stop for anything on this roller coaster ride of excitement, laughter, and adventure." Although this critic's sense of grammar isn't well-formed, his sense of irony is as rich as anything you'll find in the Entenmann's display case at the end of the aisle.
The narrative is too convoluted to discuss. I'll mention one beef I have with the dialog. Yaz makes basketball references constantly. For example, when Yaz tosses a man through a car window, he remarks, "that's gotta be at least a five-pointer!" This makes no sense because Yaz is an arms dealer, not a basketball player. It's as if the writer(s) forgot what character they were writing for: Dennis Rodman or Yaz.
Quibbles aside, Double Team boasts a terrific montage during which Quinn trains himself to hold his breath underwater, using a bathtub and a burning cigarette. By the end of the montage, he is able to hold his breath for the time it takes an entire cigarette to burn in an ashtray. This skill comes in handy immediately when Quinn has to make an underwater escape from "The Colony." The Colony is a place where super-intelligent secret agents and other international men of mystery are held as prisoners and forced to solve the world's problems. Sounds like pure Hollywood fantasy, right? Why don't you go to Antwerp and then talk to me about fantasy, Mr. Smart Guy?
For all the fighting in the movie, the stars hardly kill anyone. In fact, I can only think of one person Jack kills in the entire film. To contrast, in Commando, John Matrix (Schwarzenegger) kills 200+ people.
This is from Canadian IMDB user joes_poop's review of the film: "A brilliant story line and Damme good action are what really bring this movie together, the action scenes are like watching Michelangelo's David take shape and all you can do is stand in awe at it's beauty. Van-Damme is a man on a mission, and won't stop for anything on this roller coaster ride of excitement, laughter, and adventure." Although this critic's sense of grammar isn't well-formed, his sense of irony is as rich as anything you'll find in the Entenmann's display case at the end of the aisle.
The narrative is too convoluted to discuss. I'll mention one beef I have with the dialog. Yaz makes basketball references constantly. For example, when Yaz tosses a man through a car window, he remarks, "that's gotta be at least a five-pointer!" This makes no sense because Yaz is an arms dealer, not a basketball player. It's as if the writer(s) forgot what character they were writing for: Dennis Rodman or Yaz.
Quibbles aside, Double Team boasts a terrific montage during which Quinn trains himself to hold his breath underwater, using a bathtub and a burning cigarette. By the end of the montage, he is able to hold his breath for the time it takes an entire cigarette to burn in an ashtray. This skill comes in handy immediately when Quinn has to make an underwater escape from "The Colony." The Colony is a place where super-intelligent secret agents and other international men of mystery are held as prisoners and forced to solve the world's problems. Sounds like pure Hollywood fantasy, right? Why don't you go to Antwerp and then talk to me about fantasy, Mr. Smart Guy?
For all the fighting in the movie, the stars hardly kill anyone. In fact, I can only think of one person Jack kills in the entire film. To contrast, in Commando, John Matrix (Schwarzenegger) kills 200+ people.
Friday, June 8, 2007
The Myth of the "World Beer Cup"
Maybe you've seen the Miller Lite commercials, or the World Beer Cup label on the side of a Miller Lite case. I write of the commercials that boast Miller Lite's repeated victories in the category of "Best American-Style Light Lager" at the World Beer Cup, and show Miller brewers raising banners commemorating these awards in the brewery. This raised some eyebrows in my circle, because from repeated taste tests, we've determined that Miller Lite sucks.
Another beer that has apparently won awards at the World Beer Cup is J.W. Dundee's Honey Brown. This is a cheap beer that doesn't taste like honey. It's really not too good at all, in fact. I would go as far as to say that it sucks. And yet, it won "Best Honey-Flavored Beer" or something like that at the WBC.
Why do these sucky beers win awards? There is at least one better light lager than Miller Lite I can think of: Sam Adams Light. In fact, the only light beer worse than ML that comes to mind is Beck's Premier Light, which tastes a little something like club soda, except the flavor is less robust than that clean, smooth sodium-like flavor of club soda. A better honey beer than Honey Brown is Leinkugel's Honey Weiss.
Conclusion: the World Beer Cup gives phony awards for marketing/propagandizing purposes, and is likely staged by friends of the colossal Miller Brewing Company.
Another beer that has apparently won awards at the World Beer Cup is J.W. Dundee's Honey Brown. This is a cheap beer that doesn't taste like honey. It's really not too good at all, in fact. I would go as far as to say that it sucks. And yet, it won "Best Honey-Flavored Beer" or something like that at the WBC.
Why do these sucky beers win awards? There is at least one better light lager than Miller Lite I can think of: Sam Adams Light. In fact, the only light beer worse than ML that comes to mind is Beck's Premier Light, which tastes a little something like club soda, except the flavor is less robust than that clean, smooth sodium-like flavor of club soda. A better honey beer than Honey Brown is Leinkugel's Honey Weiss.
Conclusion: the World Beer Cup gives phony awards for marketing/propagandizing purposes, and is likely staged by friends of the colossal Miller Brewing Company.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Homelessness and Other Issues in Hard Target
Chance Boudreaux, Jean-Claude Van Damme's character in John Woo's seminal work Hard Target, is homeless. He also has a perm. And, even though his diet consists of bad gumbo and mediocre coffee, he is fit as a fiddle. He falls under the category of "implausibly homeless action hero", and he's not alone. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper plays a homeless man in They Live, and yet his character has the build of a professional wrestler who works out all the time and eats lots of boneless skinless boiled chicken breast and broccoli. Anyone who has walked down a city street has run across at least one homeless man or woman, and truly they are not the buff seducers of beautiful women that "tough guy" movies make them out to be. Although, maybe I'd have a different perspective if I lived in a port city, where the homeless sometimes find temporary work as longshoremen, as Chance does.
The homeless issue aside, Hard Target has long been one of my favorite movies. In fact, years ago, I named my cat Chance, after the film's hero. And so, it's a pleasure to address a few of the film's issues in this forum.
One thing that strikes me about the film is the protagonist's seemingly childish, repeated use of the classic "you are gay" insult. First, Chance tells a gang member wielding a club to "take [his] pig stick, and [his] boyfriend, and find a bus to catch." Chance had no reason to think that the club-wielding gang member was sexually involved with his partner-in-crime, and yet Chance refers to the latter as the former's boyfriend. Later in the film, Chance is intimidating a fat man with a beating. The fat man is in cahoots with a cartoonish supervillain named Van Cleef, who hunts homeless people for sport. Chance wants the fat man to deliver some message to Van Cleef, so Chance says, "Tell your boyfriend, Van Cleef," etc. Again, Chance has no reason to believe that the fat man and Van Cleef are in a homosexual relationship. A question you might ask: is it significant that Chance did not simply call the men "fags", but instead pointed to real people and invented gay romances? Chance's insults are more concrete and personal than the less refined "you are gay." He builds on that old schoolyard zinger: i.e., "you are in a homosexual relationship with this man!" Chance tries to assert his Alpha Male (see any psych textbook for further reading) status, keeping practically the only woman in the film (and certainly the prettiest) by his side at all times, and calling his enemies gay.
Moving on, Hard Target has a terrific Dossier Scene. In a Dossier Scene, the hero's enemies (and, incidentally, the film's audience) find out just how much of a badass the hero is, typically by reading some information about him from a manila folder. Sometimes the hero turns out to have won a Silver Star, or other military-issued medals, as in Casey Ryback's Dossier Scene in Under Siege. I recommend watching all action flicks with an eye peeled for these Dossier Scenes, as most seem to have them. Notable exceptions include any action movie with an "Everyman" hero, who hasn't built up a dossier, such as Die Hard.
The homeless issue aside, Hard Target has long been one of my favorite movies. In fact, years ago, I named my cat Chance, after the film's hero. And so, it's a pleasure to address a few of the film's issues in this forum.
One thing that strikes me about the film is the protagonist's seemingly childish, repeated use of the classic "you are gay" insult. First, Chance tells a gang member wielding a club to "take [his] pig stick, and [his] boyfriend, and find a bus to catch." Chance had no reason to think that the club-wielding gang member was sexually involved with his partner-in-crime, and yet Chance refers to the latter as the former's boyfriend. Later in the film, Chance is intimidating a fat man with a beating. The fat man is in cahoots with a cartoonish supervillain named Van Cleef, who hunts homeless people for sport. Chance wants the fat man to deliver some message to Van Cleef, so Chance says, "Tell your boyfriend, Van Cleef," etc. Again, Chance has no reason to believe that the fat man and Van Cleef are in a homosexual relationship. A question you might ask: is it significant that Chance did not simply call the men "fags", but instead pointed to real people and invented gay romances? Chance's insults are more concrete and personal than the less refined "you are gay." He builds on that old schoolyard zinger: i.e., "you are in a homosexual relationship with this man!" Chance tries to assert his Alpha Male (see any psych textbook for further reading) status, keeping practically the only woman in the film (and certainly the prettiest) by his side at all times, and calling his enemies gay.
Moving on, Hard Target has a terrific Dossier Scene. In a Dossier Scene, the hero's enemies (and, incidentally, the film's audience) find out just how much of a badass the hero is, typically by reading some information about him from a manila folder. Sometimes the hero turns out to have won a Silver Star, or other military-issued medals, as in Casey Ryback's Dossier Scene in Under Siege. I recommend watching all action flicks with an eye peeled for these Dossier Scenes, as most seem to have them. Notable exceptions include any action movie with an "Everyman" hero, who hasn't built up a dossier, such as Die Hard.
Two Modern Masterpieces and What They Teach Us
Mega Man recently expressed interest in comparing Commando with another Schwarzenegger film, The Running Man. That's his project, though, and my goal with this entry is different. Mega Man and I watched The Running Man today, and I couldn't help but relate it to a book that a special person recently loaned me: Russian novelist Mikhail Bulgakov's The Master and Margarita. I'm currently reading this book and have only reached the half-way point, but it has me thinking about Stalin's regime (the book satirizes that regime). Some features of Soviet life under Stalin are strikingly similar to features of The Running Man's vision of American life in 2017. America is a police state, as the scrolling text at the film's opening tells us. What does all this mean? I contend that The Running Man is subtly but distinctly ant-Soviet, Cold War propaganda, with a timely 1987 release.
I offer the following as evidence for my thesis:
1) At the beginning of The Running Man, the sexy Schwarzenegger sidekick, Amber Mendez, has a stash of stuff hidden in her apartment. The stuff includes illegal clothing, music from the "banned list" that Ben Richards (Schwarzenegger) makes brief mention of, a travel pass, and cash. Bulgakov's novel (along with a lot of other artwork) was suppressed in Russia, much like the music that Amber hides is suppressed in America. The travel pass? The government wants to keep track of where citizens go within their own country. Sounds a little bit like a certain dictatorship which purported to be a communist government that I've mentioned. As for the banned clothes, I would guess that this police state wants its citizens to dress conservatively. In The Master and Margarita, the police arrest anyone who's outside in long underwear. And the currency? Why would Amber need to hide money? Probably because the police state government regulates who gets the money, much like a communist government, and will not stand for private hoarding.
2) The stalkers on The Running Man game show are offered real estate as part of their contracts, much like Russian artists were often offered resort houses under communism.
3) Among trumped-up charges listed against against Amber are what follows: dating two or three men in the same year (can you even imagine?), cheating on college exams, and sleeping with Ben Richards. Apparently this is enough for the government and government-sponsored network ICS to issue Amber a death sentence. Amber's promiscuity, real or fictionalized, is made into an offense against the state, which likely promotes nuclear families. Cheating on exams doesn't seem like much of a crime, but in a highly regulated communist society the best jobs would likely go to the people with the best exam scores.
I've made my point, and I'd finally like to salute the makers of two great masterpieces, Mikhail Bulgakov and whoever it was who directed The Running Man. I can't remember. The guy who played Starsky on the "Starsky and Hutch" TV show.
I offer the following as evidence for my thesis:
1) At the beginning of The Running Man, the sexy Schwarzenegger sidekick, Amber Mendez, has a stash of stuff hidden in her apartment. The stuff includes illegal clothing, music from the "banned list" that Ben Richards (Schwarzenegger) makes brief mention of, a travel pass, and cash. Bulgakov's novel (along with a lot of other artwork) was suppressed in Russia, much like the music that Amber hides is suppressed in America. The travel pass? The government wants to keep track of where citizens go within their own country. Sounds a little bit like a certain dictatorship which purported to be a communist government that I've mentioned. As for the banned clothes, I would guess that this police state wants its citizens to dress conservatively. In The Master and Margarita, the police arrest anyone who's outside in long underwear. And the currency? Why would Amber need to hide money? Probably because the police state government regulates who gets the money, much like a communist government, and will not stand for private hoarding.
2) The stalkers on The Running Man game show are offered real estate as part of their contracts, much like Russian artists were often offered resort houses under communism.
3) Among trumped-up charges listed against against Amber are what follows: dating two or three men in the same year (can you even imagine?), cheating on college exams, and sleeping with Ben Richards. Apparently this is enough for the government and government-sponsored network ICS to issue Amber a death sentence. Amber's promiscuity, real or fictionalized, is made into an offense against the state, which likely promotes nuclear families. Cheating on exams doesn't seem like much of a crime, but in a highly regulated communist society the best jobs would likely go to the people with the best exam scores.
I've made my point, and I'd finally like to salute the makers of two great masterpieces, Mikhail Bulgakov and whoever it was who directed The Running Man. I can't remember. The guy who played Starsky on the "Starsky and Hutch" TV show.
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